Fragments of a Fractured Mind

Scratchin’ my head at day’s end….


Another day draws near to its conclusion. Like many such days, I find myself wondering about this and pondering that, trying to understand, trying to learn from what I have done and from what has been done to me. Things could be better, but I’m not worried. God has the controls, so things like worry or concern or fear have no relevance. Not that I am  completely comfortable. Some things nag at me. Woman. Women. 61 years old now and I have yet to figure them out. I have begun to feel that such understanding is not achievable. But then, I don’t need to figure out all women, I just need to figure out one woman. Just one. Problem is, I don’t know who she is yet.

Some months ago, God told me that He knows of the terrible loneliness that has gripped my life and He told me that He had picked someone out for me, that she needs me as much as I need her. He said, He PROMISED that He would lead us to one another as soon as we were ready for each other. Way things have gone for me in this life, that was a wonderful thing to hear. Ah. But. (Always a “but”, isn’t there?) He did not tell me exactly what I must do to ready myself for this lady. Nor did He say how long this “readying” process would take. In His soft way, He simply told me to trust Him, to believe, and to build my faith.

Yes. Well. Patience is not my best trait. But I try, and you know, there’s quite a lot to do as I wait. I’ve a fine friend, the best friend anyone could ever hope to have, and this friend also has a rough road to follow. There’s nothing else for me to do but help this friend in any and every way I can, which most times amounts to steady and intense prayer. Then there’s my work, my trade, my profession. As you may have learned from my earlier posts, I am a graphics designer and I was laid off from my full-time job last August. I am trying to build something new for myself from the ashes. I have a few good days and I go through a lot of bad ones, but I wake up each day prepared to do my best to live up to the Lord’s love, to my good friends’ hopes and to do something each day useful enough to make myself worth the pain of the mother who bore me.

Little blessings creep into the midst of the disappointments and frustrations. Some days, I am depressed because of the thoughtless treatment I get from some few people who ought to know better, or because it seems as though I can’t seem to make any progress. Other days, my spirit soars, because my best friend has written me a brief note just to let me know she cares.  Or I reconnect with someone from the misty past for whom I used to care, and they seem to be pleased to have found me again. Some old acquaintances come along, and seem to be amused at first, but all too soon, it becomes quite clear that they’ve no real desire to reconnect, that they’ve made contact because they were bored and that once the initial curiosity wears off, they find overt means of suggesting that I absent myself until they feel like dealing with me again. The former I cherish and the latter I consign to the rubbish heap of my life’s poor decisions.

Some small gifts come my way and these allow me to stay just barely afloat for another little while. Some days find me hard at work on design projects for which I am paid little or nothing, but which come with rewards that money cannot buy. Small blessings can multiply until they gather the weight of a large blessing.

I give of myself to lift someone who finds life to sometimes be difficult, as do I,  to help her find some small moment of peace and satisfaction. I do this because it turns out that one of her smiles is worth a lifetime of grief. I extend a hand to another who struggles down the same precarious path as do I, because I know her pain all too well, and because I cannot bring myself to throw her away as many others have done, to her and to me. The satisfaction of doing such things as these is more precious to me than any treasures this world can provide. From these things, I hope to be able to answer two questions. It is said that these are the questions that God will ask of each of us as we step through the great gate.

Have you found joy in your life? Has your life brought joy to others?

So. The day draws near to an end. I must get into my quiet time and then I’ll go and tussle with my pups a bit, watch a part of a movie, and eventually I’ll drift off to sleep with the prayer that God will again open my eyes come morning.

Oh, yeah. I mentioned my pups. My girl dog delivered six wiggly little lab mix puppies almost three months ago. They’re ten and a half weeks old now. I’ve placed two of the six into new homes, and I have two more I need to get adopted out. I’ve just posted pix of these two little fellers on my Facebook page, so have a look. If you’re unable to get to that page, drop me a note and I’ll email them to you or post the pix here. I want very much to see them happily placed in a home where they will be loved, appreciated and enjoyed. You have such a place, or know of someone who needs a good pet, please do drop me a note.

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